I can count the number of useful trainings, in-services, or pre-services I’ve participated in over the last 20 years on one hand. Perhaps due to some karmic retribution, I’ve sat through a multitude of worthless trainings for my various jobs.
One of the few helpful sessions I participated in focused on disengaging from power struggles. Parents and teachers have probably experienced the joy of these phenomena. And, if you have experienced this, you know the struggle is real.
This particular training emphasized not getting sucked in and providing choices as well as consequences. We practiced disengaging. We explored choices and consequences. Most importantly we worked on setting boundaries. The facilitator constantly reinforced that power struggles reflect some combination of ego, a need to test limits, as well as the lack of clear or consistent boundaries. To this day, this training sits near the top of my best sessions list.
At DTL I haven’t had to deal with a power struggle for awhile. When I have had to deal with one, I gave the student some choices and walked away. It felt delightful. The student got a bit pissy for a spell but we emerged on the other side better than before.
When I share strategies for avoiding power struggles with parents more often than not their response centers on giving in to avoid problems (tantrums, meltdowns, etc.) or a fear that their child won’t like them anymore. If I could monetize every time a parent told me “you don’t understand you’re not their parent,” teaching might actually pay off.
Yes any and all of those reactions might happen. Totally expected - all of them are ok. A student (your student) may indeed lose it. However, eventually they tire and move on. Your child or student may in fact not like you for a period of time. Also appropriate. Remember - neither parent nor teacher are synonymous with ‘friend.’
If a parent or teachers consistently engage or give in to power struggles the young person will grow up expecting to always get their way. Permissive parents or teachers create problematic people. The Outsiders always goes over well at Do.ThinkLearn. We always have great conversations around this book. One passage that seems to catch students off guard happens when Randy the Soc talks to PonyBoy about his dead friend Bob. Now Bob is quite the @$$h0le before he gets killed. He torments Johnny and PonyBoy until they fight back. Anyway, Randy mentions that Bob’s parents constantly indulged their son and he always got away with things, but really all Bob wanted was for his parents to set boundaries for his world. Almost every student eventually admits that they might not like boundaries or limits but they do make them feel safer or less anxious. Students love to test limits but they also need those limits.
When I look around, the world seems ablaze with power struggles that combine a need for attention and an overindulged ego.
Power struggles have become quite popular in the larger world of adults these days. The old normal devolved thanks to power struggles and permissive parenting. The early stages of the new normal don’t seem much better. The news of the day often reflects tantruming adults who sound like children who didn’t get their way. Permissive parenting or indulgent institutions have fostered childlike power struggles in politics, in school board meetings, and in professional sports (just to name a few). Leaders and institutions keep engaging with this childlike behavior which only enables more tantruming and more entitlement. These entitled individuals torment the rest of us as they desperately flail around unmoored to boundaries. We now live in a world of Bobs. The Bobs of the world and their spoiled supporters feel like they can do whatever they want and that any limits or consequences reflect tyrannical power or discrimination. Really though, they just grew up, as Bob did, to be entitled and selfish.
The older I get the more I have to admit that my parents were right about more things than I care to admit. As a teenager, I got into it with my parents about my curfew from time to time. I usually told them that their rules were draconian and that I’d be home when I felt like it. One time my Mother looked at me and in her best 1st grade teacher voice said to me, “You are free to do that. Just know you’ll be grounded and lose your car privileges.” I stammered off complaining loudly but got home on time. When I first got into teaching my Mom gave me two truisms that have stood the test of time. First she told me that all students want boundaries. She then told me, “say what you’re going to do and then do what you said.” Mary Jo - 1,276 and J - 3.
These rules and the power struggle guidelines reflect a good approach to teaching so my question is, why can’t school leaders, politicians, and governing bodies provide choices, outline consequences, and be consistent in their leadership styles? Doing so might include a few tantrums, but may reduce long term problems down the road. We don’t need anymore Bobs.